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youneedtostrut:
urulokid:
urulokid:
urulokid:
urulokid:
so my fucking strapon has gone missing from the bathroom drawer.
this wouldn’t be an issue normally but i’m pretty sure my mom took it. why you may ask? well i asked her to put my contact lenses in the top drawer of the bathroom counter the other day as she asked me where i wanted them. lo and behold they were in the dildo drawer, and there was no dildo to be seen.
it was a seventy dollar dildo and harness. why did i buy it? because my sex life is rich and diverse, that’s why.
i called down to my mom and she came up and im like “i had…….a thing in the drawer. its gone. it was. blue and had….black straps”
“what?”
“a…it was a toy.”
“……what??? a what toy what kind of toy”
“A SEX TOY MOM. did you see it at all”
cue The Most Scandalized face, like 1950s housewife discovers her maid is pregnant face. “A WHAT TOY???? SEX???? WHAT DO YOU WANT THAT FOR TO USE”
“mom oh my god it’s noT FOR ME”
her brain’s fucking overloading. this is a woman who had four children and refuses to believe or engage in anything but the most vanilla PIV with all the lights off. “what do you have a thing in the house like that for???”
“mom nobody knew it was here but me. just have you seen it? thats all i want to know”
“no!!! i have never seen a filthy thing like that in my house!! you want me to ask your BROTHERS or your FATHER???” as if my three adult brothers are naught but wee innocent babes, when i have it in full confidence at least one of them has in fact touched a boob
“no oh my god. i looked everywhere and idk who took it” im like inching backward into my bedroom now.
she follows me in and shuts the door and hisses “WHAT DO YOU EVEN USE THAT FOR???? STRAPS??? WHY DOES IT HAVE STRAPS???”
“can we please just not have a sex talk while I’m trying to find out where my personal property went”
“DO YOU USE THAT ON MIKE?????????”
hint. no i dont. not yet anyway. “MOM. MY SEX LIFE IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS”
she gives me this White Mom Horror look with her face looking like a cats scrunched up asshole and I finally just go “the male g spot is in the butt”
“wh–what????”
“THE MALE. G-SPOT. IS IN THE BOOTYHOLE. MOTHER.”
she stands in my floor and rolls her eyes up and goes “oh my god.” hard d. my mother NEVER SWEARS. and then she starts getting all emotional and horrified and teary eyed and flounces off downstairs
anyway i asked my brother and he helped me look under my othe two brother’s beds, so at this point in Nancy Drew and the Disappearing Dildo, the only possibilities are 1) my mother took the strap on and is hiding it in her closet so she can wave her bible over it and pray or 2) a male in my family got curious.
either way i want it returned and washed in hot soapy water asap. please and thank you
UPDATE: there has been no sign of the strap on and I even looked at my mom’s closet this morning when the house was empty. the plot thickens. none of my brothers have spoken a word to me and my mother is pretending that we never had a conversation regarding it, so…..I have no idea where it is or who took it. I am at a dead end. nancy drew is stumped folks
update: STILL no sign of the strapon. at this point my theory is that my mom took it and threw it away, then wiped her own mind concerning my sex toys and went for the Oscar with the whole I Have Never Heard Of Such A Sinful Thing In All My Days, Good Heavens.
SEVENTY DOLLARS. MOM.
update. my mother has invited me to dinner with three random women from her church group bible study: a 60 something lady whose mother recently died, a 60 something who used to be like my second grandma, and the mother of one of my childhood bullies from homeschool co-op
i have no idea if this is related to the dildo or not. we shall see
STRAP-VENTION 2016: WHO LIVES WHO CRIES WHO TELLS UR STORY
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